I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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