Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
