My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
