I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
