I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
