I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize