I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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