I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
