who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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