Non-Jews are for practice
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
