How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
