I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
FUCK WHALES
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
