Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
