My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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