4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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