i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
