sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Thank you for not boning my boss.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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