The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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