I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
