Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
