Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
