Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
