Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
