if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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