I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
