I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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