Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?