Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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