What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
