...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
