We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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