Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
