your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
