i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
