Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
