he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
