he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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