Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
