yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
