Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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