here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
