she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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