also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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