There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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