Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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