I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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