ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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