This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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