Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
