I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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