im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
