There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
