drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
