Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
