Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
