I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
