No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
