you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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