better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
